Sex and Ego…

In a world that values doing above being, money above the planet and human communities, the ego reigns supreme. At a collective level, it seems that we are being led by beings who are disconnected from their heart and soul. It is not that the ego is bad or some enemy we must destroy rather it is like the mail room clerk who has been promoted way above his or her station. At a personal level the ego is a defence mechanism that helps us cope with the world. The personal ego comes in different forms and some of these can be very prudish, reserved, shy, critical or alternatively too open, daring, rebellious or promiscuous. When the ego is in charge of our life it feels that we have no control over our sex drive. We may fear our primal urges and repress our sexual energy. Or we may be a hedonist and channel it in an unconscious way. This is a big problem across the planet. A very wounded ego may feel that getting their sexual needs met at the expense of another is OK. There are many different kinds of ego games ad dynamics that create disconnection. When the ego is in charge of repressing or wildly expressing sexual energy then various power dynamics occur which lead to suffering of one shape or another. Any spiritual path worth its salt seeks to transform the ego from a fearful fortress into a vessel that can contain the light of the Higher Self.

Sex and the Shadow…

Our psyche is not just one energy it is a gestalt of sub-personalities. Each one of us has a personality made up of primary selves. There are also energies and behaviours that we do not identify with, disown and keep at bay. In Jungian terms, these disowned selves are a part of our shadow. These are the traits we feel are unattractive, unsafe, or too much. We can disown primal energies such as anger or sexuality or other energies such as our creativity or joy. When we see, or feel these disowned energies in others it can lead to intense repulsion or attraction. For instance, a responsible rational man who has disowned his emotions is suddenly attracted to a highly emotional creative woman. This is because consciousness is always seeking wholeness. What attracts the man initially may later repel him as he goes deeper into the relationship. The woman in this scenario may be attracted to the man’s groundedness and responsibility. Deeper into the relationship she may consider him dull and a party pooper. Another example could be a spiritual man who has embraced his feminine side and a financially savvy business woman who feels very at home in the cut and thrust world of financial deals. Both see qualities in the other that they have disowned as they were growing up. There can be an attraction followed by an eventual aversion to these same qualities, if they manage to navigate these and see them as qualities they each need to embrace rather than reject in the other then they both have the opportunity of integrating them and growing in aware consciousness. This is a main dynamic behind all sexual attraction.

Sex and Language…

You can understand a person’s consciousness around sex by listening to the language they use. Language is the way we define reality. Western culture, with its great spilt around sexuality, has some very shame-based terms for describing love making and the body. This is not the case in older and wiser cultures. It was in my early 30’s when I discovered the world of Tantra and one of the great revelations about this path is the language they use. For instance the Sanskrit word for vagina is yoni. This word comes from a culture/religion in which women were regarded and honored as the embodiment of divine female energy. Yoni has many translations that point to the generative power of the Goddess Shakti. My Tantra teacher described the yoni as a sacred flower or garden. The Sanskrit word for penis is lingham which points to the generative power of the God Shiva. My Tantra teacher described the lingham as a pillar of light. The subject of language is a vast one and of course I am merely scratching the surface here. On a final note I recently had a conversation with a young woman who talked about having relationships with men and woman. I said, “so you are bisexual” and she very beautifully replied, “no I am gender fluid”. This made me smile and was a great lesson in updating my use of language.

Sex and Intimacy…

Although here is no standard model for relating there is a process that intimacy leads us through. First there is the dance of connection, to check whether you really like or can relate in a meaningful way to this person? This getting to know someone is an important aspect of the dance. This dance may include initial feelings of dislike that change after a few dates. This phase is the prelude to engaging in physical intimacy. In this choice zone some choose with their head rather than with their heart and this causes problems further down the line. When the heart says yes there is the honeymoon phase. Some jump straight into this phase and do not spend long enough in the getting to know the other phase. In the honeymoon phase you cannot wait to see your beloved again and again. You check your phone for messages and you long to embrace your new lover. Sex makes your dopamine levels soar and the feeling of elation makes the whole world seem bright and pure. It is wise not to make any long-term plans during this phase. When this ends, there is the reality check. The inner critic starts to get involved and the magic of love begins to dissipate. We see our partner with new eyes. Often this is where many relationships end. Those that have a strong heart/soul bond endure. During this time, it is important to connect to what is going on inside and express it somehow, somewhere. If not to your partner at first then to a journal, a trusted friend. This phase is important and if navigated wisely will lead to a deepening and a re-ignition of love. True love can really blossom after this stage.

Sex and Energy Flow…

Sexual education (at least in my day this was the case, hopefully things are changing nowadays) tends to ignore the emotional and energetic aspects of sexual interaction. In Taoist philosophy there are two qualities of energy that interact. Yin – feminine and yang – masculine. These energies can also be defined in other ways but the important thing to note is that these energies are in a constant dance within an individual and in the universe itself. These are the attracting forces that bring two people together. This can be a man-woman situation or two people of the same gender. The attraction is energetic and is not only based on physical looks. For example a masculine woman and feminine man can be attracted to one another. The same attraction can happen visa versa. This dance of opposite energies must be there for two people to feel attracted to each other. For instance a masculine man with a weak yang charge cannot attract a feminine woman with a strong yin charge. The good news for those interested is the sexual charge can be increased. A masculine man can learn ways to increase his yang potential. The same is true for a feminine woman. I cannot go into details in this article but this information can be found by a simple Google search. A second aspect I wish to share is that within every person there is a natural flow of sexual energy. When this flow is locked into the genital area then this will lead to great sexual frustration and a desire for instant gratification or release. Needless to say this does not enable sexual intimacy with another. Again there are ancient Taoist exercises that help to develop this natural flow of sexual energy, these are not secret practises, anyone who can use Google will find them.

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